An Exercise In Stupidity
Illawarra Mercury
Saturday December 13, 2003
SOMEONE once told me age is a state of mind.
Huh!
There I was writhing in a roadside gutter, mouth agape and frantically sucking air.
The slowing of a wildly beating heart and an easing of the stabs of cramp pain gave me the opportunity to come to an inescapable conclusion.
Getting fit at my age is an exercise in stupidity.
Hibernation should be a summer thing.
Out of sight, out of mind.
The good wife did a poor job of hiding her disdain and pity at the pathetic creature prostrate only centimetres from the wondrous engineering of her $200 running shoes, which came complete with a certificate saying no slave labour was used in their construction.
Marrying a much younger woman has many benefits but I couldn't think of any as she loudly wondered to no-one in particular about the whereabouts of the man she had first met all those years ago.
That hurt.
So did everything else.
Then came the smug reminders that the decision to get fit together for summer was my idea, that we had walked for less than 15 minutes and that it wasn't within cooee of her usual arm-swinging, cardio-crunching version.
My humiliation was completed when it was pointed out that Miss Buffy, the world's most pampered Maltese terrier, walked further and faster than me.
Couch potatoes can find this time of year very difficult.
Ever noticed how the impending summer generates an avalanche of stories in newspapers and on radio and television about the need for lifestyle improvements?
Like young Australian women parting with more than $414 million a year in their generally fruitless quest to remain fit and slim.
That yarn was published in the Mercury on Monday beneath an intriguing story of the search for an average clothing size in Australia as genetics and healthier diets are actually making Aussie women bigger.
Also this week, an Australian Bureau of Statistics snapshot of how Australians exercised in 2002, where walking was clearly the most popular form of exercise.
To my surprise, nearly two in three Australians aged 18 years and over - or 9.1 million - took part in a sport or physical activity at least once last year.
Not surprising was the revelation that younger people were the most likely to exercise, with 72.6 per cent.
There's some doubt about whether I qualify as one of the 46 per cent of older Australians who were identified as participating in some form of physical activity in 2002.
It seems retrieving the paper from the front lawn or cleaning the pool were not included in the survey questionnaire.
Of course there is the weekend golf game, but does that count if you hire an electric cart and have the first beer tucked away by the fifth hole?
My first thoughts of getting fit for summer were sparked by the office young things.
You know the type.
Two litres of water a day, visits to the gym morning, afternoon and night, and a pretence about enjoying the most barren-looking salads imaginable.
Somehow they managed to talk a large group of Mercury staff into heading off to a fitness craze called Boot Camp a couple of months back.
Somehow, I resisted the intense psychological pressure.
Just as well.
One shouldn't laugh at the misfortunes of others.
But the photograph that did the rounds of the office showing a subeditor half my age depositing his breakfast onto the sands at North Gong beach was funny.
The psychological scars of that first outing with the good wife are healing nicely. This time I will be better prepared.
Mindful of the view that if someone can't be a serious walker they should at least look like one, the old running shoes used for mowing the lawns have been consigned to the wheelie bin.
And I've done some research.
If the experts are right and it takes a month of reconditioning to make up for each year of physical inactivity, my comeback could be the longest in history.
There's a friend who is into yoga.
For the past few days he and I have been doing what he calls the walking breathing exercise and two other interesting aids to get me through the initial pain barrier.
The first is Sitali (tongue hissing) and the second Sitkari (teeth hissing).
Can't wait to see the look on the good wife's face or the reaction from Miss Buffy, the world's most pampered Maltese terrier.
My yoga friends insist it's more soothing and rhythmic than listening to a Guns'n'Roses CD through headphones.
The big test should come any day now.
As soon as I run out of excuses to not roll off the couch.
MONDAY James Dunn looks at world affairs
© 2003 Illawarra Mercury